Valentine’s Day

If a ‘Tequila Fairy’ presents itself to you turn around and run.

The Following story is based on true events, some of the details and names have been changed.

This is a lesson in universal karma and the nasty surprises that await us on our daily digressions over time. It was the end of summer, 2013, my birthday, and I was planning on getting terribly inebriated. At that point of my life I was still capable of dancing with Dionysus.

My friends and I were at a pub called the ‘Avalon’ on the North Shore, known for its wide selection of aged whisky and wine. It’s not like I remember much of what happened that night. The aged spirits were involved and probably chicken wings. The thing I remember most was that this would be my first introduction to hall of fame soccer player Carl Valentine, and his wife.

Carl Valentine on the right, with unknown . Years before I would meet him in person.

How exciting, you might say… not really. If you don’t know who Carl Valentine is that’s fine, I don’t really know his legacy, and I don’t like soccer that much to care. However, I can respect Valentine’s records and contribution to the establishment of soccer in Canada, I believe its worthy of distinction, but his character is what I am exploring here, and mine in a way.

Most of the night is laced with a fog, but I remember dancing by not particularly with who. The music playing was 80’s and 90’s pop rock, it was nostalgic moments of big hair and moving bodies resonating nicely, and it invigorated my festive senses. I remember needing a break, and walked off the dance floor, and that was the moment Carl Valentine introduced himself to me, he seemed genuine, somewhat nice. He isn’t a big man; short, stocky and athletic. I remember quite well what Carl said to me that night at the bar in a slightly Americanized-English accent he spoke;

‘That’s my wife mate. You’re a good dancer’.

Carl Valentine, August 2013,

I was completely oblivious to the world around me, or to the fact that I was dancing with his wife. As you could imagine I didn’t think too much of it at first, and very well went on my merry way, not to think too much of it at all.

It could have ended there, lost in a memory hole. I could have lived happily ever after in complete ignorance of that encounter and ever meeting him. However, it seems like Carl Valentine couldn’t forget that night, or my incredible dance moves.

Carl Valentine shares all, what an idiot, god bless him.

I can’t pretend to be a super stud, or tell you with confidence that I am a good dancer, but I can sometimes exercise charm. But nothing like Carl Valentine, this guy has seemingly done it all. See below.

Its funny after watching this, seeing the shoe on the other foot. Strange how the narrative relates to the discourse, as above so below, There is magic on every level. Cringe, worthy. Carl’s singing is a malaise of melody.

Now move forward a few months, its a Friday night and a hockey game is on. It was the end of the work week and the Avalon was on my way home. It was one of those fateful decision that would alter to course of history and solidify a fear of tequila and my approach to the sport of soccer forever more.

First, let me introduce to you to a man who went by the name, ‘Tequila Fairy’. Nice guy from what I remembered; probably the devil in disguise from what I don’t. It was providence that I just happened to be sitting next to the man all the Avalon staff were calling the ‘Tequila Fairy’, a nickname earned in the reputation of providing lots of free Tequila shots. Next to him were a bunch of his friends, they were doing multiple shots. To this day I still remember the chants and cheers of “Vámonos muchachos” after every clink of the shot glass.

Perhaps I shouldn’t have looked over and made eye contact with Mr. Tequila, but the joy and revelry were contagious, and the next thing you know I had shots of tequila placed in front of me as well. It was difficult to decline the gesture, and soon I was chanting “Vámonos muchachos“. It was rude to decline. I just didn’t know, (I knew), where those tequila shots could leave me.

The rallying call faded into the night, It was becoming blurry, I could feel the discharge of the spirit mixing with my soul, my ‘muchachos’ were gone. I remember seeing the bar staff escort a half immobilized Fairy outside, something happened to him. Soon I was warped back on to that famous dance floor, and another fateful encounter in life with a real hall of famer.

Re-Enter Carl Valentine

I don’t think I was on the dance floor too long when I decided to hop off for a quick breather, it had been a long night. Lets say I don’t remember who won the hockey game, except the Canucks were playing.

Standing there at the edge of the dance floor to greet me was my biggest fan and famous “foot baller” Carl Valentine. I don’t think his wife was there this time, but everything moved so fast, didn’t get a chance to look around.

This time Carl had that crazy look in his eyes, one of those looks where you know something isn’t right and about to go down. Sure enough, with one feel swoop Carl Valentine raised his foot, and slammed it down using the butt of his heel on the top of my foot, instantaneously hobbling me. You can understand my shock, it was a complete surprise, hindered by my inebriations, I was being assaulted by Carl Valentine, a frigging sports celebrity.

It was a big red card violation.

Player and a coach, kind of like the Gordie Howe of soccer.

What type of man does this? Well you would have to ask Carl. I don’t remember much after the strike, I think he punched me as well the cheeky bastard. I would like to think that I got a blow in or two, but all that I remember was getting roughnecked out the bar by the same bouncers that flew the Fairy out earlier.

I shamefully ended up in the ER for X-rays and I had major tissue damage, but luckily no broken bones. After all Carl is a professional footballer. The foot is a complicated organ, I missed work and I wasn’t able to walk properly for about 2 years before the pain finally resided. It has been almost 7 years, so I should probably let this one go, but at the time I was pretty frustrated limping my way through life for about a year.

Carl Valentine’s day

A man with a pedigree like Carl Valentine is a bit better protected than me from transgressions like the above. I couldn’t afford a lawyer; moreover, by what means would I have at prosecuting him, I was piss drunk, I barely remember it, even now the story is probably more myth and legend.

There is a beautiful golden lining here of revenge. Now in all honesty I was not looking for revenge, I was reluctantly happy to swallow my pill and move on with my life. It would be almost a year later in October of 2014 that the universe aligned in an attempt to settle the karmic score, a synchronicity of sorts.

A friend of mine invited me to go to a Vancouver Whitecaps game, it was an afternoon game and it sounded like fun. What I didn’t know was that this game had a special tribute just for Carl Valentine, and an award was to be presented to Carl at half time. Click on the video below.

I made sure that I was going to be fully present for his award, I needed to see the man that assaulted me. So I snuck my way closer to the front in the middle of the Whitecaps super-cultish fans section, and took a seat and waited. The first half ended, and the half time tribute began.

Carl Valentine being presented an award by an equally shadowy creature Bob Lernerduzzi. Soccer players are excessively bad tempered people with pretty wives. Funny enough the video is edited so I don’t know if you can hear me yell ‘ fuck you.

BC Place is a big stadium when full, and can hold over thirty thousand people, there were about a quarter of that present there on Carl Valentine’s day, you think it would have been sold out. After a short video introduction Carl walked out into the field, lucky enough on my half of the field, I couldn’t have been more than 100 yards away from him.

What the video fails to show, and what is missing, is that I knew there would be just one briefest moment for me to strike at Carl Valentine. I thought there may be just one moment of silence after the introduction was done, and after all the clapping has receded there would be a brief amount of time that I could really share my feelings with Carl.

The introduction was short, and the clap receded quickly, I realized that this was my moment. I took a deep breath filling my lungs and in a silent BC place stadium, mustering everything in me, I yelled at the top of my voice the most satisfying, “Fuck You, Carl Valentine”, I think anyone could have given, the kind of fuck you that this type bully deserved, and all is right in the universe.

“Fuck You, Carl Valentine”

PRESENTED TO Carl Valentine on Carl Valentine’s day Oct 14..

Re enactment of me at Carl Valentine appreciation day.